Clinical Insights
Pursuit and withdrawal are movements between people
Formulating escalating contact and retreat without fixing either partner into a type
One partner asks for an answer with increasing urgency. The other becomes quieter, more explanatory or more distant. Urgency intensifies in response to the distance; distance increases in response to the urgency. Both may describe the other’s behaviour as the reason contact is impossible. The therapist is presented with two persuasive accounts of an interaction that is unfolding in front of them.
Attachment and systemic clinicians will recognise this sequence. Imago’s relational emphasis keeps the formulation close to the encounter: what happens between these partners when contact feels uncertain? Pursuing and withdrawing describe movements in that sequence. Their meaning needs to be discovered with the partners, and their impact needs to be addressed.
From description to shared enquiry
The same action can serve different purposes in different relationships. Repeated questioning may express a wish to be included, an attempt to reduce uncertainty or pressure that overrides the other’s choice. Silence may reflect overwhelm, reflection, caution or deliberate punishment. A relational formulation remains open to these differences rather than assigning a benevolent motive in advance.
A clinician might tentatively reflect: ‘When you cannot find each other in the conversation, one of you asks more urgently and the other steps further back. Then it becomes harder for either of you to feel heard. What fits, and what have I missed?’ Each partner is invited to correct the description. That correction itself offers information about whether difference can be received.
We also assess asymmetry. The presence of a repeated sequence does not establish equal power or equal responsibility. Following, blocking an exit, threatening or making refusal unsafe requires a different clinical response from an ordinary mismatch in conversational pace. Calling everything a cycle can conceal danger if assessment is not sufficiently careful.
Giving each experience a place to arrive
When conjoint dialogue is appropriate, the therapist reduces the demand on both partners. A sender is invited to describe one moment in a sentence or two, including what it meant to them. The receiver is supported to reflect that message before supplying a reason, solution or rebuttal. The amount of material is matched to the receiver’s current ability to remain attentive.
An illustrative intervention is: ‘Tell your partner what becomes difficult for you when you cannot get a response. Keep it with your experience of that moment.’ Later, the other partner can describe what happens when the questions arrive quickly. Both receive mirroring, validation and empathy. Neither is asked to accept the therapist’s theory as a substitute for their own account.
The clinical aim is a change in the organisation of contact. Urgency has a more reliable opportunity to be heard, and a need for a slower pace can be expressed without an unexplained disappearance. The interaction becomes the place where another response can be experienced. We assess whether this is happening; an accurate mirror alone cannot establish that fear has resolved or the underlying disagreement has become easy.
A pause can remain part of the relationship
Where a conversation becomes overwhelming, the therapist can help the partners negotiate a pause that preserves clarity. What signals the need to stop? How will the request be respected? When will they check whether they can return? The arrangement should fit their circumstances and capacity. A return time is a mutual agreement, never an entitlement to pursue or corner someone.
During a session, reducing the length of a send or inviting a summary may restore participation without leaving the encounter altogether. At other times, a fuller pause is needed. Imago training describes moving towards emotional depth and stepping back from it as responsive clinical choices. The criterion is whether the intervention supports safe contact for both partners.
Outside the session, a repair may begin with acknowledging a missed return or an intrusive pursuit. Each person takes responsibility for their own action. The couple can then use dialogue to understand its impact. The pattern gives context to responsibility; it does not dissolve it.
What to observe over time
Useful observations include whether either partner can ask for a slower pace without being punished, whether a question can receive a clear response, and whether agreed returns become reliable. Ask about what each person experiences, including whether apparent cooperation reflects genuine willingness. Reduced volume alone tells us little about these conditions.
The longer-term aim is greater flexibility in the relationship. Partners can recognise the movement towards pressure or disappearance earlier and have more than one way to respond. The clinician supports that flexibility through repeated practice, feedback and assessment of the actual exchanges the couple brings back.
For clinicians working with recurring pursuit and withdrawal, Imago Clinical Training offers a way to study the interaction and practise its facilitation. Explore the training at imagotraining.co.za.